Affliction: To be cursed. -- January 29th, 2009

Another phenominon in my life has been AGAIN brought to my attention. Maybe this happens in everyones lives, but I doubt it.

Basic human princibles of virtue and love are always being violated in relations with me.

Every time I see something, when I grow to like something, when I have something to call my own, when I love something, then and only then do the vultures come out. People around me begin to shed their disguises and bare their teeth, trying to take what is mine. Coveting, lusting, they have only one goal. To take what is mine for themselves. In the bigger picture, they might not even want what I have, if not for just to take it from me.

and alas, I am the only one who sees it. Altough I do not cry wolf, my crys are ne'er heard. I do not like to watch people get eaten, but what more could i do? what more SHOULD i do?



It is a cycle that repeats. I'm sure the lifestyle I lead has something to do with it, I'm sure the type of things I attract and am attracted to are factors. They told me that you can't make a ho a housewife. They told me to never marry a party girl. They told me to never put the pussy on a pedastel. They told me i'm not out, It's just not my turn. They told me theres many fish in the sea. They told me to ride every row boat while I'm waiting for my ship. They told me if you play in traffic you won't get hit.

They told me, the essence of, the summary of, all things together and equal, everything they have EVER told me put together, that human beings are not human beings. Human beings don't trust, and never should, don't love and never will, have no hope and feel only fear. We are born to die and so we should do what feels good.

I believe this is complete and utter bullshit.

I have seen that this is complete and utter bullshit.

This is why I had begun to change my life and surround myself with people of virtue and morals. But alas, somewhere the blinds were put over my eyes for once again I am in the same pit I was before, I must have been crawling around in circles.



If not friendship (including the love and trust that friendship IS) then what else does this world have to offer?

When you are dead, will your yacht come to your funeral?

When you are in need of comfort, will your cat hug you?

but how can you expect to recieve something so great and humane without giving the same? how can you be so diabolic as to deny human nature and strive only for yourself and what your twisted or drug diluted thought process offers you? Why has your mind sunken to such a state where this kind of thing is an epidemic?

And where in the world can I go to get away from it?

Where can I go to be by myself with whats mine?

Where can I go, to where I do not have to lock my doors at night, to carry a gun in my waistband, or keep a safe under my bed. Where can I go where whats mine is mine and people want it that way?

why can't people be happy for me, like I am for them, when I get something wonderful instead of trying to take it away?



and yet somehow even what I thought I had is slipping away...

some days, even what I have, doesn't want to be mine



For surley my diamond knows the state of this world?

Surley my diamond would put itself in the safe?

Surley my beloved trinket would fasten itself to me so not to be seperated in the middle of the cold night?

Or a thought presents itself...is what I have merely an object? is it that severe that what I have is to be had by whoever is the most cunning and clever? I should never fight for a ring with any others then my crest on it. I would never make war over helen of troy.



Oh that things would stabalize and come to rest, that peace would find me again and happier times would descend. No that is not for me, for mine is a world of trials. Trials come to an end, and you're always better for them, but the suffering can be extreme.



Maybe it's time I took two steps back and let things figure them self out

because i'm getting really sick of trying to keep a grip on already slippery surroundings

Maybe it's time i picked up my battle standard and walked the other way? cut my losses and build a new army to make a better war someday?



But a wise man said something which I took to heart

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow. I was king over Israel in Jerusalem. I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.



I feel this is the truth.

and i've kind talked myself out now.



In conclusion,

I take a tally count of my stock and my till

I have what I have, and nothing more

I have what I want and nothing more

I will do what I can and nothing more

and the rest is up to the lord.

Afternoon Hunger

I am hungry. I'm going to venture into the kitchen and see what awaits me there. After that, I have no idea how the rest of my day is going to go, other than good. Good, because I have already decided, no matter what happens, I am going to make the best of it. Because I focus on the good today, I WILL have a good day. I hope you can do the same!